Through God’s challenge to see myself as He sees me I have commutes to 30 days of writing.
Writing is for me more than anyone else; so if you all check out before the 30 day challenge comes to an end, that’s ok.
I’m starting with the truths.
For the longest time I believed that no one could love me. Although I know differently now, during my childhood I believed that my mom didn’t love me. As an adult, I understand addiction and mental health influence the way someone shows love, but as a child I just believed I wasn’t loved by the one person that was supposed to. It affected me deeply, it’s a hole I don’t know how to fill. For most of my life, relationships, especially new ones have been hard for me.
I’ve worked hard at keeping people from loving me. I can be distant and I avoid new relationships. Something deep inside is still sometimes afraid to feel the way I did as a little girl.
As a young married person and mother I grew leaps and bounds and allowed myself to feel love and to build a life full of love.
There are exceptions to truth 1 and that is my husband. Our souls were fused together long before we met.
I lived in foster homes and shelters and sometimes at home. In my first years of college my living arrangements bounced around even more, but I was never literally homeless.
But home is where your heart is and mine was so closed up, I was homeless.
Then walked in Jason. And although I tried to not love him and I tried to not let him love me, he was home. I knew it right away. Something in my heart was not afraid and something in my heart recognized home.
We built a life together. We grew a family and my home erupted with love, laughter, and joy.
My children. I could write about how they are my beginning and my end. That my days start with them and I close my eyes at night thinking about them. That I will be their anything they need…cheerleader, lunch packer, nurse, driver, confidant, guiding hand, their legs, their advocate, I would try to breath for them if that is what they needed.
Put simply, they are my purpose. I’ve never been so honored, humbled, or privileged to do anything else in my life. To be their mom is why I’m here.
I want a simple life. That is not exactly what I’ve been given or what I’ve lived. But, the days that I can wake up to a cup of coffee, help my family start their days, have quiet time alone to work out, read, or write; and then make beds, fold laundry, and prepare meals…those are the best days. I love simple everyday moments more than any of the extraordinary ones. They bring me the most joy.