I try hard to be positive and find the joy in the little things. Sometimes though, I just can’t. And if my body is a vessel, then today my vessel is too small to hold my soul and my heart and my love and all the suffering, stress, anxiety, and sense of sadness I’m holding now.
January is catching up with me. Most months are not like this, thank God. But this one has been something. And please do not read this and want to fix anything…I’m venting and I’m sharing so that the other parents out there that are feeling the same way know that they are not alone. We all have these days and weeks and months and it is okay to feel defeated for a little bit before you get up and dust off.
This is what life has looked like this month. There was a teacher at school who made a big deal about helping one of the boys get a chair to sit in so he could have back support, as in, she would not get it for him (that means I’ve had a meeting at the school and I’m working on a ‘cheat sheet’ of his IEP to give to faculty and staff that do not work with the boys daily).
We’ve consulted with an oral surgeon to decide if the risk of anesthesia is worth having wisdom teeth pulled out (we are not having the procedure done).
A man in a parking lot harassed me in front of my son for using a handicap stall for my son (to the point I was afraid to go back out to the parking lot in fear that he would still be there).
We found out our son was receiving a placebo for the first year of the trial he participates in (while grateful he is in the study and has been receiving the actual drug for the past year; it was a kick in the gut to learn that another year of allowing the disease to progress through his body had passed.)
Kids have had strep throat, my husband was traveling for work, I’m behind on sleep, I going to miss two of my daughter’s games because I’m leaving on a whirlwind trip to Texas to attend a caregiver/parent advisory meeting hosted by the pharmaceutical company.
I don’t usually like to admit it, but I’m exhausted and overwhelmed. There is no book or list of recommendations anywhere on how to do this. I know I’m doing things wrong, but I’m trying really hard to do things right; to raise my children; to love my husband. Lots of times there is nothing left, I’m a lousy friend, and sister, and daughter.
My vessel is not large enough to hold all of this…not today at least. All I can do today is offer it up. I’m thinking of two special women from my church community and I’m offering my suffering and stress and all of the feelings spilling out of my vessel for them. And I have to trust that God will be the wind to fill my sail and get this vessel moving again. And soon (I’m hoping very soon) I will feel better.