It’s been a month since my mom died. I’ve pushed myself too hard to stay busy and not feel what I know is just below the surface. I went to state volleyball, I painted my kitchen…I’ve done anything to be too busy to feel.
My relationship with my mom was complicated and I know my grief from losing her will be complicated as well. And in my heart, the wound from losing my little sister, has just begun to close. I don’t want to relive the pain of grief. I want to stay too busy to notice the pain and I want it to be over when I slow down.
I’m overwhelmed as a special needs parent in this moment too. At a time when my emotions need my attention, the emotional side of a rare and fatal disease is straining my beautiful children and they need me more that I could have ever imagined they might need me.
All of these emotions are exhausting and now I know I’m too tired to stay too busy. It’s time to slow down.
A week ago I was in the adoration chapel. I had told Jesus everything on my heart. After reading, I prayerfully journaled. This is what I wrote down.
God is after our dependency, not our perfect discernment. I don’t have to know what I am supposed to do or how long it will take. I only have to depend on God.
The Lord doesn’t promise the removal of darkness but the assurance of his guidance in the midst of it.
Psalms 37:24 “May stumble, but he will not fall, for the Lord holds his hands.”
John 1:5 “the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”
I don’t need to be moving forward, I just need to stay where I am until whatever it is He wants for me, right now, is finished. I need just to depend on Him.
He is working on my heart, shaping it even more to be the person He calls me to be.
As I wrote these things in my journal, I looked up and my eyes fixed on this stained glass window, only one of two in the chapel.
It is of the fifth joyful mystery, The Finding in the Temple. The child Jesus remained in Jerusalem without telling Mary or Joseph. Mary and Joseph had to return to Jerusalem and find Jesus. Jesus stayed to teach in the Temple. He stayed where He was to finish the work.
It was a powerful realization for me. Even Jesus had to stay where He was at times. I am where I am supposed to be. I can’t skip this part or the next. My heart will be a better heart when the work is finished.