It stems from my childhood, I think. The need to be strong.

And if strong is never getting hurt, then I know I’m not. But if strong means getting back up again when I get knocked down, well…

This last year to 18 months has knocked me down, and it seems each time I get my wobbly legs under me again, I fall.

My first step towards being able to stand again was to admit parts of me are broken…perhaps beyond repair. There are holes in those places, and I’ve spent too long resenting the brokenness and myself for not being strong, not being whole.

Recently, someone gave me advice so simple and yet profound. She said there are some holes only God can fill.”

For most of my life, I’ve tried to fill them up on my own, but when things get hard, the stuffing I’ve used blows away like dust on a windy Nebraska day.

I’ve thought about that for days. Then, Sunday, for an hour alone, I prayed about how fragile I feel and wanted him to fill my holes.

I was thinking of the words hole, whole, and holiness.

I wonder why they all have the same sound but mean different things. I wrote: “to become whole, we must give our holes over to God so that he can fill them with his holiness?”

As I continued in prayer, something resonated with me: I have to believe in who He says I am, not what others believe, and most importantly, not what I believe.

I feel I have been challenged to see myself through His eyes and accept. I’m beginning this journey towards healing and hope to share what I learn and accept in the weeks and months to come.