No escape

I woke up on a Wednesday morning inspired to write a blog about joy. I wore a ‘joy’ shirt and took a selfie for the blog.

Then came the phone call. I never wrote the blog. I had no idea life and people could change so quickly. 48 hours later I took a second selfie because I never wanted to forget.

How naive of me to think that I ever could. I’m having a hard day. I don’t remember the last thing I said to her and so mad at myself for never answering the last text she sent me.

She’s been on my mind and my heart all day. Last Saturday I swore I saw her walk into a basketball game. The same blonde hair, a big hoodie, I had to look twice. My mind is playing tricks on me.

Today in a waiting room there was a young girl. Something about her reminded me of Dani. She was there with her baby. She was doting on him, grinning, so obviously in love with her child. I hope that somewhere in heaven Dani is holding a baby and just as in love and happy.

A broken heart seems an under statement. There is a hole in my chest. My throat hurts, it aches when I cry. I have to take deep breaths.

She was born on Thanksgiving. Although this Thursday is not her birthday, it does not escape me. I had looked forward to the holidays. I thought it was going to be different for me, that the holidays would be ok. I was wrong.

If she were here, she would have stayed in Oregon for Thanksgiving and I wouldn’t have seen her, just a text to say hi. But for some reason the thought of celebrating when the world is short my baby sister, seems impossible.

You know that grief is going to be hard. It’s like when someone tells you that time with your kids goes too fast. You believe them, but you have no idea until you have your own kids. I knew grief was going to be hard, but until I lost Dani I had no idea how hard it was. There is no escaping this. It has to happen. I just wish it happened faster.

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