I changed the name of the blog and now have my own domain! The first blog I wrote nine months ago was titled Weathered Storms. That is what I should have named the blog then. My life is a series of Weathered Storms. I am an on demand mom, but the things I write about are the storms that come along with life, not just motherhood.
I am ready to step it up a notch on my writing. I hope to see my blog grow some more over the next year or so. I want to be a writer. There, I finally said it! It only took me 36 years and two degrees that have nothing to do with writing for me to finally admit that is what I want to do. I will go one step further by saying I really hope to write a book in the next year or two using the blogs as an outline. It is time for me to take this serious and pursue something I always wanted to do, but never thought it could be. Seriously, God has given me a lot of life to live thus far; it is like paint for my canvas.
September has been a hard month for me. It is what spurred me to change the name of the blog and use it to find peace. Writing is therapeutic to me. I make realizations when I write. I let go of a lot of baggage when I write. It is one way I take care of me and it is time to take care of me.
The first week of September I was at the hospital with my three sons who have Duchenne. It was the first visit since diagnosis that progression of the disease took front seat. It hurt. I found myself in an intense grieving, again. As the last two weeks have gone by, each day is a little better, but I’m still visiting that grief much too often.
It is has thrown me into a state of storm. Anger, tears, fighting the understanding that God is trying to give me. I have a lot brewing around inside of me. I’ve realized that I have open wounds on top of open wounds. For years I have been in survival mode. Overcoming a traumatic childhood, finding some happiness with my husband and growing family only to face Duchenne and all the fear and pain that comes with it. I too regularly think, “what’s next?”
My home life as a child was abusive. I survived and I forgave. And I thought that was enough. But I’ve realized I believed all the terrible things I was told about myself as a defense mechanism. I never want someone I love (or anyone) to say or do something that can hurt me like I was hurt before. As a result, I am not gentle on myself, in fact, I usually believe the very worst about myself; because if I already believe how horrible I am, it can’t hurt me if someone else tells me that (at least that is what I tell myself). But it is not fair to me or the people God has put in my life. I am carrying a cross I was never meant to carry when I do that. I don’t know why it has taken my so long to finally admit, I need to change. I also know it is part of the other open wound on my heart.
I am a carrier of Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. And although my brain tells me one thing, my heart is holding on to something else. My heart cannot forgive me for passing this genetic killer onto my children. I know it is not my fault. I had no idea what Duchenne was, much less that I was a carrier. It is not a punishment for something I did. God doesn’t make mistakes and my boys are meant to be here just as they are. I have to let it go. I cannot blame myself. And I’m beginning to understand that it is not something I need to forgive myself for. Because again, it is not a cross I was ever meant to carry.
I have these big things brewing inside of me like a storm. And then there are all these other components of the storm circling like dark clouds in the sky. I am trying to hold on to all this pain because I struggle to believe that I deserve not to hurt. I forced myself to believe all those terrible things I heard as a child. And sometimes I just want to pout and be childish and ignore God’s will for me. And sometimes I just want to hold onto all of it because giving it to God may not give me what I so desperately want. I want my children to live a long healthy life and I am so afraid to give it to God because I am scared he has other plans. And maybe his plan it exactly what I pray it is. I need to take that leap and find that healing.
But I tell myself I want to be miserable. If my children have to suffer, then I think I must suffer too. But, if any of you have met my children…they are not suffering. They are happy children, bursting with life and a real zest for it. All that suffering is not meant for me. I have to stop punishing myself, because God isn’t punishing me. He is loving me and forgiving me, and being patient with me.
Those are the storms I am weathering now. It will be a process, but now it is my turn to love me, forgive me, and be patient with me. I hope to write more about those storms, specific feelings and memories. It will be a healing process for me. And I hope sharing my process can help others with their own journey. It is time for me to see the rainbow after the rain. I know there will be other storms, but I am going to learn to remember there will be other rainbows too.