Anchor my heart in you, Lord.

I read that in a prayer during adoration last night.  They were the words I needed.  I was trying to ask God to come and fix me.  For weeks now, I’ve felt lost, and this is the thought that had been fumbling around in my heart and I could not express.  Anchor my heart in you, Lord!

I have been so tired and overwhelmed.  Everything is hard some days.  Some days I can fool myself into a state of normal, but lately something has been amiss.

I have always been a religious person.  I have early memories of my mom dressing all of us girls up every Easter and taking us to church.  I remember my first foster home, they went to a Presbyterian church every Sunday.  I received my first bible from that church.  

When I moved to Hastings to live with my mom again, I walked myself to a small brick church I had spotted a few blocks from my house.  There I received confirmation and was baptized with all of my sisters. When I went to live in another foster home I started to attend church with them.

Faith and belief were a constant in a not so constant way of life. The churches changed and the deominations changed but the feeling I had when I allowed myself to be open to the Lord did not.  As a child my life was a bumpy ride and Jesus was my life jacket. He kept me safe.

When I met my husband in college, I believe the holy spirit was working though him to bring me to the fullness of my faith. It was in the early years of our marriage I began to love the Catholic faith and after my sons were diagnosed with DMD I began to cling to it like a life preserver.

These past few weeks I have not been myself.  For Lent this year I decided to go to confession once a week.  I was going through the motions of Lent.  I did not put a lot of effort into my first confession of Lent but found myself to the brink of tears when I heard myself say I was having a pity party instead of trusting the Lord.  The Holy Spirit working through the priest encouraged me to tell this to the Lord.

I didn’t not go to adoration that week and I found myself dreading Mass that weekend.  I didn’t want quiet.  I prepared even less for my second confession and kind of winged it when I got in there. I was rendered speechless when the Holy Spirit working through the priest told me I was down in the dumps and needed to ask the Lord what was going on with me.

I went to adoration.  Although afraid of the quiet, I wanted to be there; but for the first 45 minutes I could not hear. Finally, I looked up at the crucifix and said, “I am broken, please fix me.” That is when the words, “Anchor my heart in you, Lord,” started to make sense.

I opened my bible to 1 Peter and everything I didn’t want to hear was there in front of me.  I had been pushing God way because I didn’t want to hear him.  I wanted to feel sorry for myself.  I wanted a break; but I didn’t  want to have to need help.  I didn’t want to wait to feel better. But pushing him away was making me feel worse.

This is what I read.  

1 Peter 5:2 “Tend the flock of God in your midst, not by constraint but willingly, as God would have it, not for shameful profit but eagerly.”

1 Peter 5:6 “So humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God. 7Cast all your worries upon him because he cares for you.”

1 Peter 5:10 “The God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory through Christ Jesus will himself restore, comfirm, strengthen, and establish you after you have suffered a little.”

I’ve read and re-read the passage.  It really speaks to me and gives me guidance and assurance.  I will keep working fat it and keep praying: Anchor my heart in you, Lord.”